I have entered a weight loss agreement with my niece. We both struggle with our weight and are encouraging one another. Together we are working on eating right, getting stronger, moving our bodies and getting in shape. And yes darn it! I want to loosing weight.
I don’t know how it happened. I got fat. I do have a fat father and his people were big. So there is the genetic thing. I eat about the same as I always did. I use to be a lot more active. I’m older and I have slowed down. Let’s face it fat can happen. It is a lot easier to put on than take off. So I will take ownership of it! Yes this is my fat. I did this to myself. I am responsible for my fat. Okay what’s next, besides exercise, eating lots of salads and egg whites and throwing away the ice cream?
Well for me the question is why? Why did I do this? What is the root cause to why I over eat?
Was it because I am lazy? Yes partly, I do not like to exercises and I like sweets.
Do I have a secret death wish? No, my eating is mostly habit, emotional and mindless stuffing.
Am I afraid to be all I can be? No there is just more of me right now.
Do I have poor self-esteem? Not really. I love myself I just hate these wobbly bits.
Am I emotionally eating? Yes, I have a child who is disabled and I am his caregiver. He needs 24 hour care. I can’t always find help to get away and take time for myself. It’s a stressful situation that is on going. If he is in a crisis mindset and having meltdowns due to his disablement I am the one helping him and that is stressful for me too.
Am I self medicating? Yes, I go right to the frig often without thought when I am stressed and eat.
Why am I doing that? It feels good.
How can I stop? Be self aware and form a better habit.
So it occurs this fearless inventory of my life is going to take some more mindful self discovery and radical honesty. The above is just the beginning.
Summing up those thoughts:
Eating feels good and I love sweets. Sweets cause a chemical reaction in my brain that releases feel good chemicals that cause me pleasure and I like pleasure. I am self medicating to feel better. My life is stressful. I’m coping, but this is a unhealthy way to to deal with stress and emotions. I need to make better choices, but a bit of chocolate is easier than wading through a life time of injustices and bitter disappointments. So being in the moment every time I feel mindlessly lead to the frig and just wake up and pull my self away.
Self Esteem and Loss of IT
Which brings me to shaming fat people and how women have this added thing about being sexy and if you aren’t sexy you you are nothing. Oh and if you are old and fat you are doubly worthless. Also as my niece pointed out there is a social disadvantage of being fat. People think you are of a lower class. You can’t afford to be skinny. You shop at Walmart not Whole Foods if you are fat. Okay fat people shop at Whole Foods too but they are all over Walmart like a infestation of well… fat people. Then there is the sexy thing. Now I know some people love fat women. Sometimes those men have let me know they find me desirable. It a little unsettling when it’s a stranger. Like dude quit making that hungry noise with your throat like I am the little piggy. I don’t know what is worst loosing my sex appeal or having someone lust over my cellulite and mounds of white meat in the car wash waiting room area while I was innocently browsing funny cards? I guess it depends.
So much of who we are as women lies in our attractiveness, our desirability. Now there are curvy women who rock a few pounds. It’s wonderful, go big girls! I just went to the public pool the other day and saw a big beautiful group of people from the pacific islands who were all large and strong and sexy as hell. I see curves on dancers in music videos sometimes too and love that. They look strong and healthy too. There was a choreographer of modern dance in the 80’s who used large dancers. I can’t remember his name but I love that. I was a dancer when I was younger and I remember looking at myself then when I was thin and hating my body, the fat I saw. As a dancer I wanted the form of my body to be perfect or I didn’t want to dance and look at myself in those big mirrors that are all over the walls in a ballet class. Growing too tall and my baby fat stomach was one of the reasons I quit. I can remember my step brother who had and still has a perfect body speaking at me with such contempt over my stomach being a little tiny bit pudgy when I was about 15 or 16. Just one of those memories for me of someone hurting me because they were disgusted by my appearance. It leaves a mark, people’s stupidity in body shaming others for not being enough. Digging deeper why do we do this to ourselves? The world doesn’t value us unless we are hot and sexy and perfect but why do we buy into it. There are lot more of us who aren’t these things than are. Why don’t we rise up and make the thin perfect people fat. Forced fatness on the thin! Justice restored eat you Twinkies ab boy or it’s 10 bacon burgers combos and a make that a super size. You bastards, leave us normal people alone with your flat abs and firm thighs. Okay enough hate and bitterness for tonight. I’m off to walk.